Gag me with a microchip!











{May 30, 2009}   When life throws you a curve ball…

I would call myself a survior.  I have survived three abusive relationships, sexual assault,  losing my two best friends in a car accident, witnessing my friends boyfriend murdered in front of me, a horrible car accident which left my boyfriend at the time in a coma and a  year of rehabilitation only to have his personality change forever from a brain injury and have him turn abusive, and other things I have just blocked out.  I thought since I am in my 30’s now and have an four wonderful children, an amazing partner and a good job that I was set. Yes of course I have dreams and ambitions but I didn’t forsee this coming.

Last month I had an emergency gallbladder removal and kidney stones.  It was horrible probably the worst pain I have ever gone through and that includes four childbirths!  It’s been a tough recovery the only thing is I’m not getting any better.  At my doctors appointment last week I told the doctor how bad the pain is in my lower abdomen and when she felt near my ovary she found four unexplained nodules.  I went in for a CT scan the next day and found out that my cervix is doubled in size with signs of erosion, and has multiple blood vessels of unclear significance. Also I have a cyst on my ovary. The other nodules were not seen on the CT.  My doctor said she couldn’t explain that.  Also there if a moderate amount of free fluid in my pelvis. These findings along with the fact that I am extremely exhausted all the time, full after a couple bites, and having varying types of bowel problems is all scary.  They are all signs of Ovarian Cancer.

I had a CA-125 test done (a blood test for ovarian cancer), and a pap to look for abnormal or cancerous cells on my cervix. The ultrasound I had yesterday at least put ease to my mind that if it is cancer it hasn’t spread.  But hanging on a thread like this is too much for me to handle.  Since I have had a lot of trauma in my life I am pretty sensitive. The thought of leaving all four of my children terrifys me.  I am so depressed just thinking about how I haven’t planned for them.  And the depression makes it worse because I get so irritable and lash out at them because I feel like I am a failure as a mother.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is something I have dealt with for quite some time now. But I have been able to raise my children as a single mom and go to school despite it.  I thought that since I don’t have to worry about domestic violence anymore and I am very careful how I live my life drama would leave me alone.  I know how to handle and avoid external negativity much better now.  But I don’t know how to handle this.  I feel like my own body is attacking me now.  And now my emotions are just pouring out. I’ve been like a dormant volcano and now my fears are spilling out.  

I was hesitant to even write this post because I am so used to just stuffing my feelings in and moving on with life.  Disassociation and distraction are tools I have mastered and have served me well. But I can’t hide from this. As a mother I am so scared.

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